If only. . .

Life doesn't always work out the way you plan. 

Not that I've always had everything in my life worked out. . . but if life went the way that we planned and that chemical pregnancy stuck, my due date would have been October 13, 2010.  Which is exactly what we had planned when we started this journey.  I wanted an October baby. . . 10-10-10!!  If things worked out the way I planned, Jerry and I would be welcoming a son or a daughter this week.  But if things went as planned who knows what that birth would have brought and I know everything happened for a reason.  It's all just bittersweet.  Had that baby stuck, the one I am carrying now wouldn't exist.  And I love my Lil' Ninja growing inside! 

At the time, very few people knew what Jerry and I were going through.  And I can't say it was horrible, for me it was more of a sadness.  A sadness that was lifted when we found out that our April baby implanted and we were officially pregnant with #3.  But this week I find myself thinking about "what if". . . I think this is just part of my motherly emotions finally coping with the loss, officially.  And I'm sure my hormonal tendencies don't help the situation!  Writing it all down helps me get things off my chest, making it easier to sleep at night!  So this is my little therapy post. . . and you all are my therapists! 

I am happy, I am grateful, I am blessed, I am remembering. . .

Background information - Jerry and I started discussing when to start "trying again" last summer. Of course, he wants a huge family and well, all I know for sure right now is I wanted more than two. :o) So my last package of Birth Control Pills was finished up at the end of December 09. I got a positive pregnancy test on February 3rd, I was ecstatic!! On our very first cycle of trying to conceive we did it! But sadly, the celebration was short lived because I started miscarrying three days later on February 7th. I talked to the doctor and he said that I wasn't miscarrying. . . In fact I had what is called a "Chemical Pregnancy". Which is when the egg is fertilized but fails to implant. Which could be a result of chromosomal problems in the fetus. So I was pregnant long enough to get a positive pregnancy test but not long enough for a heartbeat. Which strangely put me at ease. . . (First time I blogged about my loss. . . from a blog I typed out back in May.)