Dec 19th - 2 days old

Sunday morning Jerry went right to the NICU to see how Jaxen did over night. He came back to report that they had stuck a feeding tube in his nose and were starting to feed him that way. I hated to hear that, for some reason I was absolutely devastated. I just wanted to hold him so bad . . . it was driving me nuts!

Since we knew we had time on our hands because the feeding tube meant that we couldn’t feed him, Jerry ran home to grab a shower and take care of the animals. Plus it was shower day for me and I needed shampoo, a hairbrush, deodorant, etc. Basically all the things that I didn’t get a chance to pack! While he was gone, I ordered my breakfast and called the NICU. I wanted to make sure that once the doctor’s seen Jaxen that they came in to talk to me; even it there was no change because I had some questions.

Mom and Dad stayed at home today with Chloe and Jacob. They both really needed some down time away from traveling and away from the hospital. I really appreciate my parents thinking about my kids first, because I know they both wanted to be here with me. I could tell my dad knew how hard it was for me since I couldn’t hold my baby . . . he sent me a few text messages that really meant a lot. Chloe, Jacob, and Jaxen are very lucky to have such awesome grandparents!! If we got word that everyone could hold Jaxen, they would have been on their way but until then they were sitting tight.

With my breakfast came the doctor’s, I was able to get out of bed and sit in a chair and eat my food while my wonderful nurse changed my bedding. The doctor said that Jaxen was improving, but they weren’t going to rush him to eat just yet. So they put the feeding tube in so that they could feed him formula and start taking him off the IV. Another x-ray showed that the fluid inside Jaxen’s lungs was going away. It wasn’t completely gone, but he was progressing at a normal rate. The doctor was very happy that we decided to let him get there on his own terms.

I asked how soon I could hold him, and he said during my next visit to the NICU, we could hold him. But he recommended only Mom and Dad hold him. We didn’t want to send him backwards and with a little more time he would be up for more visitors. So after inhaling my breakfast, my awesome nurse took me down to the NICU and promised to tell Jerry where I was if he came back before I was done.

I swear, I wasn’t in the NICU five minutes and Jerry came in. Heck, Jaxen wasn’t even in my arms yet! It was like he knew, I was about to get my hands on the baby and he came flying back! LOL. But really, I was glad to see him, I felt a little guilty for going without him but he assured me he would have done the same thing. Anyways, I am glad that he was by my side when Jaxen was placed in my arms. It was one of those little moments where I was glad my best friend was there – and we will forever remember that feeling together. Every three hours, Jerry and I have made our way to the NICU to be there when they feed Jaxen . . . even if it’s though a tube. He knows it’s time to eat when Mommy and Daddy show up!!

While getting to hold him and talking to the nurses, Jerry and I have come to see why the doctor’s are so happy and thrilled that Jaxen is doing so well on his own and that we are letting that happen. According to every nurse in there, the last baby boy around Jaxen’s gestational age that was in there, had almost the same problems Jax. Only when they rushed it a little and when they started to bottle feed, it sent the baby backwards. And it took him a while to make progress again. So they reassured me that they totally understand my need to hold and feed Jaxen, but the fact that Jerry and I are totally up for it being on his terms only was refreshing.

I also notice in the NICU, none of the nurses want to give time frames, and that’s probably a good thing. But one nurse could see that it was upsetting me and took the time to talk to Jerry and I. She said that it might seem like they are taking their sweet time getting Jaxen off all the extra support. But they are doing that because their main goal is to have him home for Christmas. Where as I should be released tomorrow, Jaxen might have to stay a few days, but the main goal is to get him home to me A.S.A.P! Which was upsetting to hear, but I need the truth. And the truth is my chances of walking out of here the first time with my son are very slim to none. But knowing that he is in awesome hands and that they are working to get him home to me only a day or two later is a blessing. The nurse said, “They always make a push to get the boarder line babies home for the holidays.” So right now, that’s my goal. Of course, I want him to go home with me tomorrow and if he doesn’t I think I’m going to be crushed inside. But knowing it now is helping me prepare for it. I don’t know what we are going to do and Jerry and I have talked about some options but we are not making any plans or decisions until we know what is going on. Jaxen likes to change our plans. . . so for now, we are
letting him make them!