I've probably said it once and I will continue to say it, but this time feels totally different. Being on #3 doesn't seem to be a 'big deal' to anyone else but me. And lately it's putting me into a depression type mood. Which is scary to think that I'm depressed just as I'm about to add more to my overflowing plate. . . I can only imagine it getting worse. I am emotional about most things lately, not crazy emotional were I blow up at people and act like a crazy person or cry on the drop of a hat if you hurt my feelings. But emotional when I am alone. I won't cry in front of you and you'll never know you actually hurt my feelings but when I'm home and in my element the water works can start. And they can be about anything! Jerry seems to get a lot of it, and honestly most of it doesn't even stem from him. And more often than not, I don't even cry in front of him. I just need an open reminder to myself that depression is completely normal! And the first step is to admit it and ask for help. My doctor (along with Jerry's help) is prepared to recognize and treat depression if it gets worse after delivery, but the best thing to do now is to keep it in check by again recognizing that it's normal!
A big issue for me this time is that I feel alone in this journey. No one connects with this pregnancy more than me and Jerry (even he doesn't get excited over every kick and movement anymore), but the other pregnancies it seemed like people cared. This time, since it's #3 I hear a lot of crap from everyone, strangers, friends, family. . . they all echo the same things: "You're a pro at this", "Do you know what causes this?", "You don't need anything special for this baby", "You should have everything you need already" and not that I need or want handouts from people but I HATE the fact that people just assume things. I want to scream - "I am less prepared for this child than I was my first! So yes, I need things and I don't have everything already." Now don't get me wrong, it's mostly small things that are needed, I have the crib, bassinet, and odds and ends most parents don't think about. But as of right now, there isn't a bottle in this house, I have no car seat that is legal to bring baby home in, I have no warm winter clothes (unless we use pink - I have plenty of pink winter clothes!), no baby swing, no infant bouncing seat, no pacifiers, and only a handful of bibs, blankets (unless we use pink - I have plenty of pink winter blankets!), and diapers. Jacob was a complete summer baby, Jaxen is a middle of winter baby. . . why do people assume everything can be handed down? And why do people assume that all baby things last 3 kids? Bottles don't keep their seals, both the baby swing and bouncing seat didn't last through Jacob's infant months, and the car seat both Chloe and Jacob came home in is expired. Grr! It's just very aggravating and I don't write this not to make anyone feel bad. It's just one of the many things that I have heard enough of in the last 9 months that can totally irritate me, and I highly doubt it's hormone related! I know Jaxen is my third child, but he is every bit as special as my first and second - I just wish everyone had an understanding of it all. ALL Mommy's and their baby's - no matter what number they are in the birth order - deserve to be surrounded by love and concern. . . All baby's should be celebrated!
Alright, I'll step off my soap box for now. I just hate feeling depressed, I hate the fact that things have changed, I hate the fact that some of the people I depend on are letting me down. [ Honestly, I don't think the people letting me down read this blog - so don't assume it's you! :o) ] I just want everyone to know that this depression thing is real and this is the first time I've really thought of it being an issue with me. But I will be alright, I have a great husband, kids and doctor who will keep me from losing it completely! Even if that means Jerry has promised to go with me shopping for the baby things we need on Thursday just to make me feel like I am ready to have this baby! Which he HATES shopping, he just really wish I do it myself, but he knows it will just turn into a crying trip. . . lol, I'm glad he still loves me!
Another good feeling moment for me this week is my baby shower at work. My best friend at work is throwing me a baby shower in the break room on Friday (my day off!) at 11am. I am so grateful for all my co-workers who are planning to come and celebrate with us. It sounds like it's going to be a nice crowd. . . I am blessed to work with the people I do. They will never know how much this little baby shower means to me. I cry just thinking about it!
Wow, this is turning into a long Baby post!! Other than an updated belly picture the only other this I have to report on is the major heartburn that I've been experiencing the last couple of days. It keep me up most of the night tossing and turning and pacing the room just trying to get comfortable. Tums don't seem to be helping much, but it's the only thing that the doctor recommends I take. . . so the suffering has begun! If last night was any indication, Jaxen is coming out with a ton of hair!!! LOL.
And now for the Belly Picture. . . only 37 days to go!! Sorry if it's a little blurry, kids helped me take the pictures.
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